The more I understand, the more I realize how little I know

I am not knowing or understanding or wise or anything really.

But today, for about half a second, everything made sense.

This year has left me questioning why? 

Why so much disappointment, depression, and unhappiness?

Why is God discipling me and how can I glorify Him when I feel worthless all the time?

I can not attempt to explain God, but this is what I understand.

'My son, do not despise the Lord's discipline or be weary of His reproof, for the Lord disciplines him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights.' Proverbs 3.11-12

A wise person told me that things have gone exactly according to plan, just not to MY plan :)

I started thinking of great people in the bible. Ruth, Paul, Job, David, Stephen, and JESUS. I couldn't think of one person who had an easy time, but each fully glorified the Lord. Then I realized it is impossible to have full faith and trust in the Lord without struggle. Life is not easier, but it is more hopeful when I depend on God. By putting hardship on my path he has enabled me to be an ever greater vessel for Him without me realizing it.  It is me who was aloof all along.  Times of struggle require greater perseverance,kindness, compassion, LOVE, patience, and endurance than any other, but through this others may see that Christ in within us as a source of strength. Instead of this I often mope around for myself and hide because of shame or embarrassment for haven fallen and being incredibly less than perfect.

'I appeal to you therefore, brother, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.  Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good, acceptable, and perfect.'

'Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.  He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable.  He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not be faint.'

LETSgetEXCITED

So many good things to start the week off!

One of my best friends and teammates, KAYLA BEATTIE started a rockin' new blog. You should follow it because there is lots to learn and love :). She's a bada** in this pic.

It's Drake Relays week! I couldn't be more excited to visit my family in Des Moines and run in my eighth Drake Relays competition!

Today is the beginning of my first ever CSA. 

Local Harvest

Edamame, farm raised eggs, and chard you say? O my!

I also found this sweet band from a friend! I love Jesus lots and lots but don't always love Christian music. Now I do!Welcome Wagon!

Me o mi! Is this the week where I decide for the first time in my life what I am going to do in life after graduation? I believe it is. And I feel no fear! (this can only be said after hundreds of anxious moments and tears and breakdowns and talking to others) but I think it is exciting! As my pastor said last week, "If you are delighting in God, do whatever you want." AWESOME. 

bring it on future! 'For all flesh is like grass and all it's glory like the flowers of grass. The grass withers and the flower falls, but the word of the Lord remains forever." 1 Peter 1:24

Breathe

Sometimes when I'm running I forget to breathe, and then it feels hard.

I think I do this in life too. When I get stressed the immediate response is to first clean the entire house, then bake, look up forty million things on the internet, and then clean the house again an hour later.

Ironically, this never helps. I could stand to borrow some wisdom from these owls.

Last night, I tried something new.  In the midst of an anxious fluster, I turned off my appliances and laid in bed and prayed thanking God for what I do have. Just being able to breathe and have gratitude helped me screw my head back on straight and stop being a crazy nancy!

There are some things that every human in every place can appreciate. These are blessings like faith, breath, compassion, nature, life, communication, touch, passion, and LOVE. The very greatest thing is love.

Three things will last forever--faith, hope, and love--and the greatest of these is love-  1 Corinthians 13:13

We are blessed to have many things. Basic things like running water, music, art, shelter, and food are things some people are not able to take for granted. 

Then a step above that. I get to run everyday with my best friends, feel safe, obtain an education, and communicate with my family, travel, and live a life where I am blessed with chance to GET to think about things other than just basic needs and survival. 

So the anxious self-pity party is over. Life can again resume! It's always darkest before the dawn. Listening to SHAKE IT OUT by Florence and the Machine gets me motivated to get the devil off my back!

MEGZ

Meggggzzz/Megan Ranegar/Meg/Mick

Whatever you want to call her, she is my best friend. The one I dreamed about having when I was five. And she is awesome! This post is to shout out for the world to know about this girl and all she's doin!

M Rannie has done more in a year than some people (myself) have done ever! For example:

Started Healthy Hawks (a farm to school nutrition education program) which included donations, MJK, compliance, calls, farmer's markets, cooking, stakeholders, recipes, farmers, real food, elementary schools, MJK, signing forms, getting volunteers, MJK, awareness, fundraisers, kids, annnd MJK? And IT WORKED. (because she rawkz).

After that she decided to work really really hard and pr in everything on the track by outrageous amounts of time (almost 40 seconds in the 5k!).  Hellz to the yes! I don't know why she wants to be my friend so badly.

Then one day a couple weeks ago she told me she was bored and signed up for a internship with Sprouts in Berkley, California this summer. I didn't really believe her until she nonchalantly told me she was hired and going there after a skype interview.  I am pretty sure this company works with Jamie Oliver, Michael Pollen, etc. I'm pretty sure Berkeley is the coolest place in the country. DUH.

Check it out:

Sprouts!

So this was just several weeks.  Not to mention these best friend attributes:

Cooks the best meal in Iowa City

knows how to shop at a thrift store

likes her coffee the exact same way as I do

likes almost everything the same way I do

participates in massage exchanges

hung out with famous people in a loft in iowa city

has the most muscular calves on God's green earth

has a giant big smile that includes not having to remove wisdom teeth

lets people ride four across in the Buick

is the most awesomest penpal

has the most awesome taste in music, and literature, and film

can do anything and everything. 4 realz.

there's more. But i'll stop

TRIBUTE:

French picnics

Tea parties errr day

Going to pridefest and a 'circus'

In the words of Mindi Kaling:

“We never needed best friend gear because I guess with real friends you don't have to make it official. It just is.” 

Cheer up youngin'

It makes me so sad to hear when people don't think life is worth living, and mostly because as humans we all feel like this sometimes.  I think sometimes in order to get through hard days, weeks, or years it's important to do little teeny things each day to make the whole life better.

Here are some things that make me smile when i've got the blues

Trying out a new look.  It could be getting a piercing or tattoo, dying your hair, or just painting your fingernails but it breaks the rhythm of sameness and is exciting for a little bit at least! I chose to dye my hair black and paint my nails black, but maybe that is not the most cheerful? Ironic because I don't feel I am a dark person!

Get out the door. Even if you just go for a walk getting some fresh air is a good way to pass time, listen to good music, and reflect....

Read/listen/watch something positive every day!

TED talks- full of countless inspiring videos and speakers

The Bible

'If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.' -CS Lewis

My newest obsession- my best friend Meg showed me this book:

"Is everyone hanging out without me?" It is hilarious and I REFUSE to put it down.

orrrr don't get out the door, or even out of bed.  I think the value of spending time laying with a good book and coffee/tea/wine is under estimated.  If you are exhausted then STOP DOING MORE. Just be. :)

Do something for someone else.  There is nothing more cheerful than finding purpose through realizing your life is most meaningful when shared.  So find a penpal, make a craft, or bake for someone!

Just buying this stationery lit up my day! So precious!

Do what you want to do. Not what you feel obligated to do or feel like you should do or feel forced to do. Just do what matters. 

Because:

Everybody's Got Their Somethin'

updatez

I realized I hadn't blogged for a while so I wanted to, but now I don't know what to write. I'm sorry if this summary of the week seems like a 'dear diary' post.

MAIL: lots of good things showed up in my mailbox this week! Some are a leather bound bible, an adorable iphone case, and a care package from my mom from THE BEST STORE EVER, Anthropologie. Especially nice because I can not afford to buy anything from there myself. It also contained a dozen stud earrings which inspired me to add more piercings to my ears! DREAM BIG.

RUNNING: Last week we gotta get on a plane and fly to California! It was beautiful and awesome there other than the race in which I ran incredibly slow.  Then this week I got sick and stopped doing the workout after one minute (it was 40 minutes). The best option was to sit under a tree on the golf course in plain view of golfers and start crying. So that's what I did. Then I found out my body needs some iron. What a relief!

LIFE: watching the movie 50/50 SO GOOD

listening to this cd Of Monsters and Men

applying for this job backroads trip leader

and reading these bible verses! 

Ephesians 6:10-18- Put on the full armour of God!

Psalm 3:3-6- He sustains!

Seeking the saught after

How/

       Where/

When/

is to be/to have/to gain happiness?

I think a lot of things.

Waking up to a seventy degree sunshine day after 10 hours of sleep.

          

Getting pretty daisies and exotic japanese plants from people who love you makes me happy. Giving pretty things to people I love makes me happy also.

I want to be this woman:

 “The woman who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever seen before.” –Albert Einstein

“when i was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. when I went to school, they asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up. i wrote down ‘happy’. they told me i didn’t understand the assignment, and i told them they didn’t understand life.”

– john lennon

 The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet.

James Oppenheim

 I think reading books about happiness is funny.  I loved trying out these books..... but 

it is this one that makes me most happy! (its a little tarnished)

“To be nobody but

yourself in a world

which is doing its best day and night to make you like

everybody else means to fight the hardest battle

which any human being can fight and never stop fighting.”

―ee cummings

simple joys

To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury, and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable, and wealthy, not, rich; to listen to stars and birds, babes and sages, with open heart; to study hard; to think quietly, act frankly, talk gently, await occasions, hurry never; in a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious, grow up through the common--this is my symphony. WILLIAM HENRY CHANNING

I like trees.

They are everywhere!

I still love trees.

“I thank you God for this most amazing day, for the leaping greenly spirits of trees, and for the blue dream of sky and for everything which is natural, which is infinite, which is yes.”

-e.e. cummings

I want to live. I'm also excited for after I die. I like to sleep, but when the day comes I sometimes cannot wait for it.  There is nothing better than being different, unique, and undefined.  To be free is to give your life away and to love is to lay down at the feet of others.  I want to be more like Jesus.  I want to become a person I have not yet even touched.  I want to know what it means to run fast and free and unselfishly.  I want to be able to see that this life has meaning and purpose but laugh it off at the same time.  I want to be able to smell the bark of trees and taste the pine in the needles and ride my bicycle with my eyes closed. I think for today that's all.