I am not knowing or understanding or wise or anything really.
But today, for about half a second, everything made sense.
This year has left me questioning why?
Why so much disappointment, depression, and unhappiness?
Why is God discipling me and how can I glorify Him when I feel worthless all the time?
I can not attempt to explain God, but this is what I understand.
'My son, do not despise the Lord's discipline or be weary of His reproof, for the Lord disciplines him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights.' Proverbs 3.11-12
A wise person told me that things have gone exactly according to plan, just not to MY plan :)
I started thinking of great people in the bible. Ruth, Paul, Job, David, Stephen, and JESUS. I couldn't think of one person who had an easy time, but each fully glorified the Lord. Then I realized it is impossible to have full faith and trust in the Lord without struggle. Life is not easier, but it is more hopeful when I depend on God. By putting hardship on my path he has enabled me to be an ever greater vessel for Him without me realizing it. It is me who was aloof all along. Times of struggle require greater perseverance,kindness, compassion, LOVE, patience, and endurance than any other, but through this others may see that Christ in within us as a source of strength. Instead of this I often mope around for myself and hide because of shame or embarrassment for haven fallen and being incredibly less than perfect.
'I appeal to you therefore, brother, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good, acceptable, and perfect.'
'Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not be faint.'