Monday, January 31, 2011

my rambles.

Sometimes I just don't know.

I have no idea what will be tomorrow or tonight or the next minute.  I like when this happens.  Sometimes I can get so so so obsessed with having a wonderful time that it becomes a constant battle to do everything therefore making each thing a miserable slave drive. (exaggeration).  I think it is the best but also the hardest to not know.

Sometimes I forget that my life is not my own life, but God's.  I do everything I can possibly do to try to be in complete control by making to-do lists, setting my clock ten minutes ahead of time, laying out everything for the next day, restricting, pushing, budgeting, faster, faster, faster. boom.  Then it hits me straight on and I collapse.  And then I do it again.

I do not think we were created to live this way though.  I think God gave us this life in order that we may enjoy it and yes still suffer and face temptation, but all while acknowledging the something greater and bigger and keeping our eyes always on that and off of ourselves.  It can be really hard. The world is constantly tugging and pulling me in every which direction and it confuses and mixes up and makes messy all decisions causing worry and anxiety and fear.

But I should not be afraid! It is so scary when I try to take on my life alone, but I do not have to.  I do not have to do all of these things I do that make my own self hate my own self.  And I really can enjoy the things that are meant to be enjoyed.  But I can not control them.

I can enjoy a beautiful day and sunshine, but not make it last into the next.
I can love a wonderful night's rest, but toss and turn for weeks after.
I thought my coconut steamer and cherry almond muffin today were perfect, but then they were gone.
Listening in class was intriguing and then I became bored.
Everything is so..... temporary.  But that is all it is. Just a moment and then its gone.  But it was a great moment and there will be many more, but they are not mine.

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