So today I cried.
Several times. Once in class, then once in my room, then once on the way to practice. I guess I do not even know why I was crying. A lot of times I over think things or think I can do everything on my own or try to find myself in things or in ideas or something. I sometimes imagine this person doing all these things.
I sometimes hate running and dread it greatly.
I sometimes hate myself and dread myself greatly.
It is funny how things we normally love so much can turn into these enemies and things we want so badly to be away from or free from. Today I was thinking very negative thoughts about going to practice and doing a workout, and then I got to practice. At first I was still being a debbie and having a self pity party but then all of my friends kept talking to me or asking how my day was. We started our warmup and it was a beautiful day outside. Running did not feel all so bad. As we went through stretches the building anticipation of doing something hard was setting in so I went to the bathroom and while I was sitting there I decided that I was not in control of what would happen and to just focus on what I can do to help the team and to rely on others for strength. And then I felt good, really good actually.
It is funny how when I think of people other than myself so much can change. Going to practice every day is so great. All my best friends are there and they love me and want me to be a better person and a better runner. Today when I did not have the strength of my own self to run I was able to use some of theirs. Today when I started crying Amanda did not make me feel stupid or embarrassed, but instead loved and cared for. So who knows. Maybe I will keep running forever, or maybe I only have two more years of it, but there are much far greater things to concern myself with.
I can not do anything on my own and I just feel so special to have others who are so much better people than I and can help me learn and face my fears and struggles.
So today I went from feeling like this:
To feeling like this:
And it was all because other people love me. thank you God for such great friends. :)